I want to run away!

I want to run away!
One more week!

School ends. Good bye.
Driving all the way up to Ipoh Penang.
Run, run for marathon!
Then back to KL right away.
TFM alumni induction.
Straight back to Melaka.
Next day to Bali Green School. 5 days.
Back to Malaysia.
Next day,
Google Apps in education conference.
Two days.
Then it's the UUM convocation!
15 November - 31 November, full.

I am searching for inner peace through the hectic plans.
I am going to be me again.


我寂寞寂寞就好 你真的不用來我回憶裡微笑
我就不相信我會笨到忘不了 賴著不放掉
人本來就寂寞的 借來的都該還掉
我總會把你戒掉

LOVE? finally, but not so simple.

I am 25 years old.
I have not been dating.
It's not that I am not interested.
So why? I explain.

To be frank, I don't know what is love, at least I don't know what is a boy girl love.
I have family love.

Yeah, before 23, I can actually say I am very ok with single life. I like some girls back in high school, well that's just like, I guess. I am kind of reserved and do not take action to express the like. Doesn't matter, school is full of friends, after school activities, St John, Kelab Pencinta Alam etc etc. And I have home to go back to.

Well then into college and university. School was full of activities, friends and of course studies. Girlfriend? No, doesn't really matter.

Then after I am having my career. There's this sense of looking for someone to complete my life.

There are many, but only this girl really touch my heart. I don't know what is love. But she is in my heart.

When I met her, she's already taken. For the past two years, while I was initially restraining from falling for her, I just fell deeper and deeper. We are good friends, at least I think.

I don't talk much but I always want to tell her many things. But I hardly.
I always want to give her the best.
I always strive to make her happy.
I worry about her.

I don't always know what to do. I am awkward.
I want to do many things for her, but am I the one?

She's beautiful, she's kind, she's natural, she's cute, she's smart, she's intelligent, she's awesome. She's almost perfect. Almost because no one is perfect. Why? Because she's too tall.

I am just happy to see her around.

But she has made my heart pain every time.
I am in anguish thinking the almost impossibility between us.
My heart is in pain. Often. Too often.
I am an idiot I say. I am too late. I did nothing significant. I am just living in my imaginative world.
Maybe there was chance, I don't know. But I know it's getting nowhere now.

What I can do now, is wish for her happiness.
And I will always be available to make her happy.

What can I do now?
I will be more confident, because of her.
I will be a better me, in all aspects.
I will not clinging on negative thoughts, and let the negative thoughts affecting my life.
Be positive, think what I can do rather than what I could have done.
Let go the past, think forward. Chase dream.

She will be loved.

Blog Title

Yeah, I have changed the title.
It's no more "Wah! Live for fun". What kind of childish title that was...

Now it's just "? ?"
It has meanings. Deep.
It's not just a question mark, but two. Why? Why?
Keep asking question to own self, keep improving. Not doubting own self but ask legitimate questions.
Then ask again. To better own self.

The title also implies another thing.
? ? If you know.

如果

看似近在尺寸 仿佛伸手就能碰到

其实 它是那么的遥远 碰不到

你 它 

之间有个深沟

跨过去

只会遍体鳞伤

仰望 期待

只会让心更痛

它是高攀不起的

你不够高

让它发亮吧

你也寻找你的一片天吧！

Two Years. The curious case of a teacher, or not!

Why do I leave teaching?

That’s the question people keep asking me.

Before answering that, why do I chose teaching?

That’s the question I got the most throughout the two years.

So I am answering these two questions.

The answer is I do not have answer. 

I don’t know why I want to teach. After graduated from Michigan, I just wanted to stay in Melaka. But the problem with Melaka is that there’s practically no suitable jobs for me being a graduate of Economics and Plant Biology. No research firm, no financial firm, no, nothing in Melaka except cendol and chicken rice ball. Almost ended up as a credit card salesman, true story.

In the process of looking for job, I applied for two teaching jobs. One as primary school computer teacher. Full time only pays RM1000. What kind of salary is that?? Then there’s a tuition teacher position in a tuition center. Unfortunately with my glittering academic achievement and I thought what seems to be an excellent interview, no news at all after that!? I really want to teach one leh, not just play play…why no give me the job??

Then as usual went on Facebook to read. Yeah, read Facebook. Suddenly I saw something Teach For Malaysia, a link posted by friend. Well, I saw Teach For America in Michigan, kind of big thing there. I roughly know about TFA. That moment I remembered like there’s a calling for me. So I think I clicked on it and applied within 24 hours! That’s pretty amazing feat considering I take thing slowly, especially on applying stuffs. Well it does take a few day to finally submitted the application, long essays not easy.

It’s like Teach For Malaysia was really my thing. I had this feeling that I would definitely get it! YES DEFINITELY. From the long essay application, looking for referral, recommendation letter from Mr Chang my previous Physics teacher, then got into next round. The phone interview. Then the online based activity assessment.

Then I was waiting to be called to final round of assessment. All the while I was thinking I am DEFINITELY qualified. True, I was called to be in the assessment center in Mercu UEM.

Taking a KKKL bus, 5.30am bus to KL for the interview.

While boarding the bus, I sensed something. I saw a guy. With white shirt and tie. That moment I know he’s going to be a Fellow! I just have the magical sense. (Yes, in the end he was offered Fellowship but has to decline due to Petronas scholarship constraint.)

Arrived TBS about 7am. The assessment starts at 9am. So I took my time go get breakfast, and rehearsed for the upcoming mock teaching.

I was trusting the public transportation so much that I left TBS slightly past eight. Waiting for KTM without realizing KTM is the most unreliable mode of transportation on earth. Finally reached KL Sentral almost 9am! 

Rushed to the office and arriving slightly past 9! Oh no I was the last person! And the guy with white shirt and red tie was there already. Ha!

So after the day long interview, I talked with passion, showed I can be a teacher. Then the next phase was waiting the dreadful call from TFM. I knew I would get it, but everything had not confirm until the call.

That evening, waiting for call. Finally 7pm, a call, a 019 number. That’s it. Confirmed. A Fellow. A teacher.

So kids, that’s how I met your mother I began the teaching journey.

It would be too long for me to describe the two months of training, or what we call the institute. So please look up my FB album. Then the two years of teaching in SMK Gemas.

Then fast forward….

Now, why I am leaving SMK Gemas? Definitely not because the NFC issue. Yes, the infamous NFC cow farm is in Gemas in case you don’t know. No, there’s no condo here.

Why? Why? Why?

This I have many explanations but maybe still no answer.

Firstly, it’s related to my personality. I am the person that grab the opportunity, not a guys that seek for or create opportunity. Yes, I applied JPA because my friends did, so I did. I went Michigan because my friends applied, I applied. So yeah, I go with flow. But no la you jump, I jump, me not that stupid one. I will choose what’s best for me, though mostly on circumstances; environment and people around me have influence.

I’m like a leaf, go with the wind, if I landed on something that’s good. I stay. Then I might just fly again. And look for next stop. Maybe no designated destination, but I will only stop at places worth the stay.

I must admit I did great in Gemas. Yes, I enjoy teaching here very much, there’s no reason for me to leave. But there’s reason that make me leave. Confused? Me too.

Throughout these two years, I have good work relation with all the teachers and I have been enjoying various roles in school or outside of school. Been class teacher for two years, been bringing students to uncountable events and competitions and trips. Been PMR invigilator. Been the chief judge for district level sports event. Been doing so many things. Been the most passionate school sports house leader that openly challenge the incumbent champion that everyone thinks too strong to beat. In the end we were just 2 points out of hundreds points shy of becoming the overall champion. Been catching students ponteng and smoking. Enjoy my classes. Shouted at kids, yes I can shout. Home visits. Always wandering around school to interact with kids, talked with them, gave them boring or interesting advice. I simply love this job so much, too much indeed I’m actually tearing right now writing this. This is not a job. This is my mission. This is my passion. I’m here to do something. I can’t say I am great but I think I do well. Maybe not too great, but still I think it’s great. I know there’s so much more I can do in coming years. I know I will excel and enjoy myself in schools for many more years to come. I am proud of myself. The memories are just too much in these two years. Everyday there’s something I can look forward to. Yes, many times I have problem managing class well. Kids are crazy without the presence of rotan. But nothing can deter me from wanting to educate them more.

But why I chose to leave, other than my personality? Because I am weird.

Also because there’s opportunity for me in Melaka to do better? It’s time to go home. It’s time to get out of comfort zone. I know teaching in Gemas or other secondary school will definitely good for me, personally. I can foresee my future staying in school, living a comfortable life, maybe become principal or at least GPK, whatever, it will be all smooth.

But is that all? I can do better for other people perhaps? I can have an after school program that’s built with my vision of quality education. Where students can be properly educated, love the joy of learning. And it can become something more than that.

Now, it’s scary for me to think I would be leaving school, back to Melaka, directing an after school program. Yes, it’s frightening it’s something new. No experience. But slowly I am having clear vision. I am confident I can do it.

And then why I choose to leave Gemas? Because she’s leaving also. If she’s staying I am most definitely staying. It won't be the same without her. Well, sometimes you just have to let go something. Eh, not even dare to grab, what thing to let go?? I will be okay although I am an idiot.

最近

以前，我只是在乎歌的曲调
最近，我仔细聆听歌的含义

听歌，是听着心里的感觉
唱歌，是表达心中的情感

我是李圣杰，唱着那首痴心绝对
我是周杰伦，心哼着却开不了口。

其实都没有。

心情

为你 写给自己的心情日记

随笔

星期六深夜
宁静
就这样
忽然变成了哲学家、思想家
思考人生

华文生疏了
但还是觉得华文比英文更能表达与抒发情感

最近的心是烦躁的、焦虑的、惆怅的
想着一个不可能得到的、追求的
明知不可能，为什么还执着呢？

我是理智的，但内心却不听使唤，唉

放下吧

人生还有许多人事物等待发现。