Change. 改变

There's a Chinese proverb, 江山易改本性难移.

But slowly I realized my shortcomings, and promise myself to change for better.

A friend always advise, but I always think let it be, that's me, that's my personalities.

And recent happenings and unhappening slowly poke me and tell me I need to readjust my life 

Especially when I am older now, contemplated how I did for past 25 years.

1. Expand the social circle, engage in community. Don't shy away invitation to meet new people anymore. No more so 宅男.

2. Be more confident. Show it, don't be ambiguous. Pretend I am tall although I am not tall.

3. Be more sociable. Make people laugh, don't just laugh with people and be laughed by people. Lame jokes and puns are nice but also just as lame.

4. Learn a musical instrument. Because I already don't have a good singing voice. Everyone loves Jay Chou and Lee Hom because they play music.

5. Express yourself. Humans are stupid. They won't know what you want to say if you don't speak out!

6. Don't be so boring. Rephrase: don't make people think I am boring.

7. Talk clearly, don't mumbling away. Talk nice to girls, talk good to guys.

8. Be humble, learn from other people. I must know that I am not as good as I thought sometimes. 

Yeah. So I must promise myself these won't be empty promises.

Subway

Well I did not really like subway but with the absence of Jimmy John in Malaysia that has to be my favorite fast food here other than McD.

So that made me bring my students to get a taste of it, after a long day trip in KL.

They never tried before.

One said: Macam McDonald's saje... (not impressed)
Another said: Tapi ada banyak pilihan! Banyak sayur! (excited)
Last one said: Sengsara-lah kena makan semua ini, dah penuh perut ni...(joker)

I want to run away!

I want to run away!
One more week!

School ends. Good bye.
Driving all the way up to Ipoh Penang.
Run, run for marathon!
Then back to KL right away.
TFM alumni induction.
Straight back to Melaka.
Next day to Bali Green School. 5 days.
Back to Malaysia.
Next day,
Google Apps in education conference.
Two days.
Then it's the UUM convocation!
15 November - 31 November, full.

I am searching for inner peace through the hectic plans.
I am going to be me again.


我寂寞寂寞就好 你真的不用來我回憶裡微笑
我就不相信我會笨到忘不了 賴著不放掉
人本來就寂寞的 借來的都該還掉
我總會把你戒掉

LOVE? finally, but not so simple.

I am 25 years old.
I have not been dating.
It's not that I am not interested.
So why? I explain.

To be frank, I don't know what is love, at least I don't know what is a boy girl love.
I have family love.

Yeah, before 23, I can actually say I am very ok with single life. I like some girls back in high school, well that's just like, I guess. I am kind of reserved and do not take action to express the like. Doesn't matter, school is full of friends, after school activities, St John, Kelab Pencinta Alam etc etc. And I have home to go back to.

Well then into college and university. School was full of activities, friends and of course studies. Girlfriend? No, doesn't really matter.

Then after I am having my career. There's this sense of looking for someone to complete my life.

There are many, but only this girl really touch my heart. I don't know what is love. But she is in my heart.

When I met her, she's already taken. For the past two years, while I was initially restraining from falling for her, I just fell deeper and deeper. We are good friends, at least I think.

I don't talk much but I always want to tell her many things. But I hardly.
I always want to give her the best.
I always strive to make her happy.
I worry about her.

I don't always know what to do. I am awkward.
I want to do many things for her, but am I the one?

She's beautiful, she's kind, she's natural, she's cute, she's smart, she's intelligent, she's awesome. She's almost perfect. Almost because no one is perfect. Why? Because she's too tall.

I am just happy to see her around.

But she has made my heart pain every time.
I am in anguish thinking the almost impossibility between us.
My heart is in pain. Often. Too often.
I am an idiot I say. I am too late. I did nothing significant. I am just living in my imaginative world.
Maybe there was chance, I don't know. But I know it's getting nowhere now.

What I can do now, is wish for her happiness.
And I will always be available to make her happy.

What can I do now?
I will be more confident, because of her.
I will be a better me, in all aspects.
I will not clinging on negative thoughts, and let the negative thoughts affecting my life.
Be positive, think what I can do rather than what I could have done.
Let go the past, think forward. Chase dream.

She will be loved.

Blog Title

Yeah, I have changed the title.
It's no more "Wah! Live for fun". What kind of childish title that was...

Now it's just "? ?"
It has meanings. Deep.
It's not just a question mark, but two. Why? Why?
Keep asking question to own self, keep improving. Not doubting own self but ask legitimate questions.
Then ask again. To better own self.

The title also implies another thing.
? ? If you know.

如果

看似近在尺寸 仿佛伸手就能碰到

其实 它是那么的遥远 碰不到

你 它 

之间有个深沟

跨过去

只会遍体鳞伤

仰望 期待

只会让心更痛

它是高攀不起的

你不够高

让它发亮吧

你也寻找你的一片天吧！